First Blood
by Polaris'05
Summary: Some people can kill without even thinking. Some can murder and go on their way. Some can deal death without ever blinking. And some people will find that only their mind is the price that they have to pay.   Companion piece to What Never Happened
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I know I've sort of dropped off the ff radar... sorry for that. I'll be back, someday. In the meantime, here's something. _

_If you've only ever read the short, humorous bits that I do, this is not one of those. This is not a parody, this is not a light-hearted story. You may want to read What Never Happened first, as this is a companion piece to that. There is also a link to an illustration for this on deviantart that you can find on my profile. There's also reference to the 2k3 episode Same As It Never Was. This fic will make more sense if you've seen it. _

_Again, this is not a funny story. This is not an amusing little oneshot resulting from overcaffeination. This story doesn't really have a happy ending. Having said that... many of you know me and know that I believe adamantly in happy endings. Someday, when the time is right, I'll add on to this, and give it an ending that the Turtles deserve, because they don't deserve this. So, I'm not even going to call it a oneshot. Consider this my promise... it's all ok in the end. If it's not ok... it's not the end. Not for me. Not in my life, not in my writing. In my world, it always ends ok. Naive? I'd prefer to call it hopeful of a brighter future. No matter how dark things may seem, there is no force on earth that can permanently keep the sun from rising._

_Well, the Apocalypse could. But, then you'd have bigger problems than whether or not my Turtle fic ends happily like I promise it will. So I guess we're good. =D_

* * *

**First Blood**

All in all, Donny rather regretted that he hadn't listened to Leo.

Funny thing was… he'd had the strangest feeling that maybe he should stay in, even as he was walking out the door. _Don't do it_, he'd thought to himself. _Stay in tonight_. But Donatello was nothing if not a rational turtle. "Bad feelings" couldn't compare to facts – hard, visible facts. And the fact was… there was no _good_ reason why he shouldn't have gone out to the junkyard that night.

Sure, it was pouring down rain.

Sure, it was closing in on three in the morning, and even Raph was home and asleep already, so no one would know where he was.

Sure, he'd told Leo he'd just wait until the next day, when they could all go to the junkyard together.

But then, he'd been working on the computer system he was trying to fix, and realized suddenly that there was only _one_ missing part holding him back… and he knew exactly where to find a replacement. It was silly to wait, especially because the others hated going to the dump with him, looking for odd bits of things they didn't understand. Leo would turn it into a training exercise just to keep himself occupied, and it would irritate everyone else. Raph would grumble and bicker the whole time, and it would irritate everyone else. Mikey would probably mess with something he shouldn't and get them _all_ into trouble, and it would irritate everyone else.

No, best to just go by himself.

And so, at exactly 2:56 in the morning, Donatello was running briskly back across the rooftops, enjoying the feeling of the rain on his face. It had taken less than twenty minutes. The missing component for his computer circuit board was tucked safely into his duffel bag, slung over his shoulder. The air was cool and refreshing, and Don's only thought was about how much more he could get done before he'd have to catch a few hours sleep until Leo woke them up for training.

He never for one second expected the Foot ninja to land with a thud directly in front of him, already swinging a fist.

Caught by surprise and completely unawares, Donny couldn't hold back a pained yelp when the Foot soldier clipped him across the chin, knocking him off his feet and onto his shell. The turtle looked up in horror as the ninja advanced on him, his weapon raised high, preparing to deliver the blow that would surely kill Donatello. There was no way to tell with the mask on, but Don was sure the Foot ninja was smiling.

Grunting in exertion, Donny managed to roll to his side just in time to avoid the killing strike. He froze for only a fraction of a second, nearly going cross-eyed as he stared beside him at the blade impaled into the hard rooftop where his head had just been. Looking up at the disappointed Foot ninja, Don leapt to his feet, drawing his bo and backing away. He was confident he could take out the ninja, but he'd prefer not to have to. If he could just get to the side pocket of his duffel, there was an ample supply of smoke pellets… he only needed one. As he reached across his shoulder, though, the enemy ninja wrenched his blade out of the roof and jumped forward through the air with an enraged battle cry.

_So much for avoiding a fight_, Donny thought grimly to himself, swinging his bo up automatically to deflect the swinging blade. Around and around they danced on the roof. The Foot ninja was always pressing forward, always trying to gain the advantage, while Donny simply held him off with dexterous maneuvers with his bo staff. Maybe the guy would give up and go home… surely he could see that the Turtle was more than a match for him, one on one.

Don smiled. This ninja fought with a style similar to Raph's, but without the actual talent that Raph had. Deflecting him again and again was easy; the Foot ninja kept rushing in without thinking, broadcasting his moves with ridiculously obvious predictability. He was counting on raw strength to defeat the Turtle, but Donny was used to fighting Raph, who was twice as strong as this ninja… Donatello watched him coolly, analyzing every movement and always swinging his bo to the precise location where the Foot ninja was trying to strike. His brain took over instinctively, and all his movements were precise and sure.

Finally, the Foot ninja broke off the attack, taking a few steps back and regarding the Turtle. Don took a few steps back as well, hoping this meant he could get back home and start on this circuit board… and so help him, if that had been damaged in the fight, he would personally sneak into the Foot Tower and take one of theirs instead.

"You cannot defeat me, freak!" the Foot ninja spat out, evidently hoping he could switch tactics and still perhaps win the fight. Donny raised his eye ridges. Couldn't defeat him? Wasn't that what he _had _been doing? He shook his head.

"Come on, buddy," he said rationally. "Let's just call it a night, ok? You know you guys can't ever beat us in a fair fight, and you're just lucky it was _me_ you ran into instead of one of my brothers. At least _I'm_ willing to let you walk away from this."

"That's because you're weak," the Foot ninja spat out, raising his weapon into attack position again. Donny rolled his eyes, not even remotely stung by the insult. Other enemies had said the same thing, and had always learned their lessons for it, so one more didn't bother him unduly.

"Maybe I won't kill you," the Foot soldier continued, circling Donny in what he probably thought was a very threatening manner. "Perhaps I will you leave you injured and dying, and wait for your pathetic brothers to come to save you… then I will kill them too, and earn the glory and gratitude of my master!"

"Oh, for Pete's sake," Donny couldn't stop himself from exclaiming in exasperation. Was this guy for real? "You can't be serious. You're having a hard enough time fighting _me…_ what _exactly_ is your plan for fighting off all three of the others at once?"

The Foot jumped back into the fight, and Donny sighed as he blocked the attack yet again. At this rate, he wasn't going to have time to do _anything_ with the darn circuit board tonight… not without facing the wrath of Leo for not getting any sleep at all. The Foot continued to try piercing through Donatello's defenses, taunting him the entire time.

"You are nothing!" he hissed. "When you've been defeated, I will bring back an army of ninja to wait for your brothers… if you live long enough, you can watch me kill them, too!"

"Uh-huh," Don sighed. In his mind, he was already toying with the electrical cords and technological parts that he would need to fix the computer system. The lack of focus was dangerous, and Leo would have gotten onto him for it, but this ninja was boring him. Besides, it was raining, so he was cold and wet. Why couldn't this guy give up and let him get back to the warm, dryness of the Lair?

"I'll take the orange one out first," the Foot ninja said with a tone of great anticipation. Donny's mind snapped back into battle, feeling annoyed for the first time. "He is small, and _almost_ as weak as you!"

"Mikey's not weak!" Don snapped in indignation on his brother's behalf, swinging his bo a little harder when he blocked this time. "He's ten times the ninja you are!"

Seeing that he'd pushed a button, the Foot ninja continued with his planning. "Your leader, I will leave for last," he snickered. "That way, he will already be broken by the time I kill him. He can watch as I take them apart one piece at a time… the little one, I will remove an arm. The angry one… hmm… perhaps an eye. They will be _screaming_ for mercy, and I will show them none!"

A cold shiver ran down Donatello's spine. The Foot ninja couldn't know… he couldn't have any idea… surely he didn't know about that horrible reality that Don had been sent to… a flashback shot through his mind, distracting him dangerously as he saw Mikey in his mind's eye. Mikey… one-armed… bitter… angry… destroyed and darkened from the light he used to be. The scene changed to Raph, with an eye-patch… not speaking to his brothers anymore, alone, so alone… and Leo. Oh shell, Leo.

No, oh God… no, he couldn't let this happen. Was _this_ how it all started, that horrible vision of the future that he'd had? Did this ninja manage to kill him on the rooftops of New York, perhaps hiding his body and never revealing to his brothers what had happened? Did he die tonight, starting a chain of events that ended in the destruction of his family and everything he loved? Was this how it became what it never was? _Was this how it began?_

"No!" Donny shouted, an unfamiliar feeling of fury, mixed with panic, rising within him. No, this was _not_ how it began. He was _not_ going to die there… not there, not now. He was going home, home to see his brothers. He would _not_ allow them to believe he had deserted them, causing a spiral of chaos into evil and madness. A blind rage took over and Don's bo moved of its own accord, striking all over, wending its way past the ninja's flailing defenses, landing surely and dangerously.

Six… ten… thirteen... the Turtle lost count of how many blows he'd landed, and then he took one final swing… swift, exact, and deadly.

The sound brought him back to his senses. When he heard it, his first thought was that perhaps he'd been too slow, and the Foot had killed him after all. It took nearly a minute for it to even occur to him that _he_ was the one who had made the sound…

See, the sound of two solid objects forcefully colliding is never a pleasant one, but somehow this was worse than anything Don had ever heard before. It was the combination of a hard, dull thud of wood, a thick smack of flesh, and a splintering shatter of what had previously been bone. It was a sound that drove itself deep into Donatello's mind, driving out all other thoughts and feelings, invading his memory and settling there, never to be forgotten.

Accompanying the sound of a human breaking was the sound of a human _realizing_ he was broken. As the Foot ninja collapsed in on himself, he let out a gasp, filled simultaneously with shock, agony, and unadulterated terror. This was followed by a higher sound, a keening that was filled with the same three elements; the turtle soon realized that this new noise was coming from _him_.

"I'm sorry," Donny whispered shakily, his eyes wide as he looked down on the man sprawled out on the rooftop. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" He could fix this. Kneeling down, the turtle swiftly tugged the ninja's mask up and off his head, thinking perhaps as long as he could keep the man's airway clear, he'd make it through. He could still make it. Donny couldn't have hit him _that_ hard. There was a chance. Don could save him. He _could_.

Taking off the mask was a mistake. No... he was so young… just a rash, foolish young man that was now dying. He was only a young man, probably no older than the Turtle himself. Don's breath hitched painfully when his eyes caught the ninja's, staring at him in fear and poisonous accusation.

"No!" the turtle sobbed. "No, please! I'm sorry!"

Tearing his eyes away, Don's gaze traveled across the Foot ninja's limp body, certain that there _had_ to be something he could fix. He could, he could fix this. There were so many areas leaking blood… so many misshapen limbs that couldn't have been natural… Finding the place where the most blood was seeping through the ninja's outfit, Donny quickly placed both hands over the wound, trying to hold back the flow.

He could fix this.

At his touch, the Foot ninja hissed painfully, his breaths coming slower and shallower, choking on blood that spilled from his mouth and clogged his airways.

"I'm sorry," Don repeated over and over, pressing on the wound. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…"

As he pressed down, he was so intent on stopping the blood, it was well over two minutes before the turtle realized that his enemy wasn't breathing at all anymore.

The rain beat down on Donatello, mingling with the blood on his hands. The turtle crouched on the rooftop, in utter shock. He'd just killed a man. Dear Lord, he'd killed someone.

It was an accident... just an accident... he hadn't meant to hit him so hard... even if the Foot ninja was trying to kill HIM, he'd never meant to do any real lasting damage... not like this.

Donny had tried to fix his enemy... but humans couldn't be put back together like the toaster that he'd disassembled when he was four. People didn't fit back together again once they'd been broken.

He hadn't meant it.

He hadn't meant it.

He hadn't meant it.

He was a murderer.

oOo oOo oOo

It was nearly six months later before he thought about it again…

Six months since Donny had spent a full three hours trying to clean the blood off his hands.

Six months since his focus and abilities in the dojo had dropped alarmingly as he began to pull back more and more.

Six months that he kept that trip to the dump to himself… Splinter watched him carefully for a while, but Donatello never broke… never said a word… never admitted to the terrible, debilitating pain in his heart.

Six months that he refused to admit to Leo or anyone that he was afraid to use his weapon, because who knew who might get hurt?

Now, it was another's turn.

Hamato Raphael was not in a good mood. Donny could tell by the way his brother entered the Lair early that morning, a little past three: almost exactly the same time Don had come back in, six months ago.

There was blood on Raphael's hands that did not belong to him.

It took only a few short seconds for Donatello to know exactly what had happened, because the haunted face that Raphael was wearing was the same one he'd seen in the mirror six months before.

"You know you're not the only one who goes out alone, right?" Don asked coolly, his voice low. "You're not the only one who's ever been on the way home and taken by surprise. What makes you so sure you're the only one this has ever happened to? I mean, we _are_ all ninja. Accidents happen."

"I told you, that ain't…" Raph trailed off, staring at Donatello as if for the first time. "What're you sayin', bro?"

Don shrugged. "Nothing. But maybe you should consider yourself lucky." He turned as if to go, and was rewarded with Raph's hand falling heavily on his shoulder.

"Wait, what's that s'posed to mean? What're you talkin' about?"

"It's a lot quicker and easier to kill someone with a blade, Raph," Donny said without turning. "Imagine the bloody mess you'd leave behind if you killed someone with a big stick."

And then he left, feeling a little shaken. It was the closest he'd come to admitting what he had done, the secret that no one was supposed to know. He didn't know why he'd said that to Raph, but of course he'd denied it immediately as soon as Raph pursued the matter.

"No. No, it never happened." Part of him felt bad for lying to his brother, but the lie had come out so easily. Besides, between a little white lie and a big bloody murder… how bad could one tiny untruth be?

Besides, he hadn't meant it... it was an accident… he'd tried to fit the Foot ninja back together again, like a jigsaw puzzle of human flesh, but the pieces refused to go…

Donny hummed as he went back to the tech he was working on. The more he thought about it, the less he remembered anything. _No… no, it never happened._ The lie had come so easily… was it a lie at all? Donny pondered the situation as he fiddled with a few wires. What _had_ he been doing that night? It was all so fuzzy. So fuzzy... Like only the memory of a memory, a memory that wasn't a memory at all. Had he taken his duffel? Where had he been going, that his brothers hadn't been with him?

The brain was a curious and dangerous place. Who knew what sort of things could be created and exist in no real form outside the confines of the coiled mass? Maybe that whole night had been nothing but a bad dream. There was no proof it had ever happened, nothing but what might be the memories (_the sound of wood and flesh and bone) _in his own head, and those could be a lie just as easily as the one he'd told to Raph.

Now that he thought about it… which one had been the lie? That it had never happened?

…Or that it _had_?

It was perfectly silly, of course. Surely he wouldn't have wandered off by himself… so how could he have ever had a fight with a lone Foot ninja? And come to think of it, when did Foot ninja ever work alone? They attacked in gangs. The entire scenario was utterly impossible, and if it wasn't possible than it wasn't true. Don grinned blankly, jamming a screwdriver into the works of the machinery he was fixing. What a relief. It had just been a figment of his imagination, after all. Imagine, him killing someone… what a silly notion. He hadn't lied to Raph after all... it _hadn't_ happened. It never had.

Don continued humming, feeling better… lighter… somehow oddly emptier. And that other thing that had been bothering him, why, that was nothing either. He was a scientist, and worked with chemicals frequently. It was nothing at all to worry about. Surely he'd simply spilled something, which had permanently stained his hands as red as blood.

Even if he _was_ the only one who could see it there.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I make good on my promises. Hold on through the beginning, and cling to the ideal of a happy ending, always. You don't want a happy ending? Don't read it. I always bring them home. Thankees, Miss Danielle, for reading this over. You get a really big hug, m'dear. And a martini. And a brownie._

_With that, my friends, my cue has come to bow out. Fare thee well, whither thou go'est._

_Eh, I hate long goodbyes. ^_^_

_::Bows. Exits stage left. Curtain falls._

* * *

_Part 2_

It was so late… so late… late… la-

Donny's head jerked up, only inches away from crashing into the desk. Blearily, he rubbed at his exhausted eyes, glancing at the clock on his desk. Nearly four in the morning. With a wide yawn, the Turtle stretched his aching muscles then grabbed the cup of coffee sitting beside him.

Cold.

Shell. Tiredly, he got up and headed for the kitchen, wondering how much longer this computer simulation of his was going to take. He'd been hoping for a little bit of sleep before having to get up and train in the morning. Well… later that morning anyway.

Not like the extra sleep was going to help his performance. While the old coffeepot sputtered away making a fresh cup, Don glanced down at his hands, and the bright red stain that had been there for… just over six months. Right about the time that he'd suddenly developed some sort of a mental block in his training.

Odd.

Donny sighed. Leo had expressed his disapproval in his abilities more than once. Not that Don could blame him. Truth was, he made a pretty abysmal ninja these days. He tried, of course, even put in some extra practice time now and again, but when it came down to it… he just never managed to stay on top.

Sparring with him had become more or less of a joke, to Master Splinter's obvious bewilderment. Donny couldn't help it though… he did fine with drills and kata, but when it came to the actual fighting, the Turtle just… froze. He remembered the session he'd had with Raph, only earlier that day.

He'd lost.

In a major way.

For a second there, he'd even had the upper hand. And then, he'd been going to swing his bo to tap his brother and indicate a hit… and he'd frozen. Just stopped moving. Raph, of course, had been moving to block, but the bigger Turtle had been expecting some resistance, ending with Don being knocked out cold.

That had been Donny's fault, he knew that, but Leo and Splinter had chewed Raph up pretty good over it. Which resulted in Raph being furious with Donny, which had ended up in a huge fight later on.

"_What da shell is yer problem, anyway?" Raph roared at his younger brother. "Why didja stop? What's goin' on wit' ya?"_

"_Nothing," Donny muttered, turning back to his computer and trying to shut Raph out. "I'm fine." _

"_Fine? Ya ain't been fine in a long time, Donny! What happened to ya dat yer so… so…"_

"_Pathetic? Dunno, Raph. Maybe I was just born that way." _

"_Fine!" Raph had snapped, and Donny didn't blame him. He didn't even know where that snippy remark had come from. "Ya wanna be dat way, I don't give a damn." And he'd stomped off. _

And that was that. They hadn't spoken again.

The coffeepot finally wheezed itself to a halt, and Donny took the freshly made coffee, wandering back to his lab. It disturbed him sometimes that none of his brothers had ever mentioned the odd red tint to his hands. Never once had they said a word about it. It was almost as if… they didn't even see it.

There was a pinging from his computer when Don returned and he hurried forward in concern. Reaching the screen, the Turtle groaned and set the coffee down, jumping into the desk chair and typing furiously at the keys.

"No no no…" he sighed. "Dammit!" Shoving himself away from the computer in frustration, the Turtle rubbed his face with his blood red hands. One miscalibration. One. Single. Miscalibration. And like that, the entire simulation that had taken him ages to put together would have to be completely redone.

Don scanned the computer screen, looking for the source of the problem. Yep, there it was. It figured. Yet another trip to the junk yard… Donny shuddered. For whatever reason, the junkyard that he had used to enjoy frequenting had become a nuisance to him. The very idea of going all the way over there… it made him shut down almost as much as sparring.

Probably because of that one time he'd killed an enemy ninja on the way home.

_Oh for crying out loud_, Donny thought in exasperation. _Not that crap again_. He didn't know why he kept coming up with this ridiculous idea that at one point he'd killed a ninja. Donny had never killed anyone in his life. It was ridiculous.

_The sound of wood on bone, the screams of a dying ninja, the eyes that were so young, looking up at him, silently asking why… _

"Stop that!" Donny yelled, crushing his hands against his face. "It never happened!"

_Then why are your hands covered in blood, Donny boy? _It was the voice of the enemy ninja, the voice of the ninja he'd killed.

HADN'T killed.

"It's just chemicals," Donny grumbled, grabbing his bo and his duffel bag. "And I'm not afraid of the dump." He would show the voice. He would prove that he could do this, that even if he couldn't fight anymore, he still had a useful function. Angrily, Donny walked towards the door, pushing it open and nearly running into Raph, who was only now coming in for the night.

An awkward silence followed. Donny could see that Raph was still pissed, and his brother's growl only proved his point. "What're ya doin'?" Raph demanded, crossing his arms.

"I need something from the junk yard," Don snapped back, pushing through. "You shouldn't still be up. Leo's gonna be irritated."

"Tough," the other Turtle snarled. "Ya ain't s'posed to be goin' out alone."

"Oh, I'm sorry, who exactly was out with _you _just now?"

"Piss off," Raph muttered angrily, continuing on his way. Donny watched him go, feeling bad for his smart remarks. Yeah, he'd deserved that last comment. The brainy Turtle hurried through the sewers, his heart feeling heavy and depressed. He'd deserved all the exasperated and impatient remarks from his brothers, really. He was falling apart, he knew that.

_Well, you broke ME apart, _the enemy ninja muttered in his head. _So you'll excuse me if I don't shed a tear for you. You deserve this, you know. You finally feel what it's like to be hurt like you hurt me. _

"Shut up," Donny snapped. He had to fix the computer, and he had to fix the simulation. He could still do that much, surely.

What was he thinking? He had no business trying to fix things.

He couldn't even fix himself.

It was cold outside, and Donny ran hard and fast over the rooftops. He liked to run… if he ran fast enough, he wondered if he could outrun the world. Outrun the demons who chased him… outrun even the voice that whispered into his mind. He should have told Splinter from the very beginning.

"Told him what? Nothing happened," Don reminded himself, running faster. If he ran hard enough, he wondered if he could balance the pain in his heart with the pain in his legs.

The world was a dark place, he didn't need his mind filled with even more darkness. He ran and ran, ignoring the rain that fell on his face. Not much further now. He could get what he needed and run back home, and nothing was going to stop him in the meantime.

_Nothing? _The voice was laughing at him now. It often did. _Nothing? You mean you're not gonna go killing any more helpless victims? That's how you get your kicks, isn't it? Hurting people? Look what you did to ME_.

Donny just snarled and kept running, trying to shut out the voice. He didn't need it. Not now. He was already feeling low enough from his fight with Raph. Besides, the voice was only him, going slowly crazier and crazier, spiraling him down the blood soaked staircase into madness.

What a shame. If he lost his mind, he wouldn't have anything going for him at all, since he was already such a lousy ninja, and apparently a lousy brother as well. Donny tried to summon up the energy to be bothered by this… but he was too tired. He'd just have to get as much done for his brothers as he could before his mind went completely.

"Where do you think _you're _going, freak?"

For a second, Donatello actually just kept running, right past the group of ninja who were crouching on the rooftop beside him. He'd gotten so used to the voice in his head, it took him a moment to realize that this was actually a real enemy speaking. Since the other one had never existed, after all.

Donny just sighed. Yeah. Perfect. Well, he'd been asking for it. Really, this was what he deserved. An ambush on a cold, rainy night, alone and isolated from his brothers. He was so damn tired… he couldn't do this anymore.

_That's it, now attack them. Kill them. Kill them like you killed me. _

"I never killed you, you moron! You're not real!" Donny bellowed angrily, causing his three enemies to exchange confused glances. It wasn't really the answer they'd been expecting, but who could tell what went through the minds of freaks? Drawing their katana, the Foot ninja leapt lightly to land on the rooftop beside him, spreading out and circling the lone Turtle.

"But we are very real," one of them hissed. "And _you_ are the one who is to be killed." He swung his katana at the young ninja, who brought his bo staff up to counter only just in the nick of time. Darn it, why, why, why…

Fighting off a single brother who wasn't actually trying to remove his head was hard enough for the Turtle these days. Fighting off three enemies who would love nothing more than to see him very much dead? Donny sighed. Yeah, he didn't have a chance.

And he'd never gotten to fix that stupid computer thing. Whatever it was. Donny didn't even know anymore what he was trying to do. What had he ever been trying to do? Well, at least he wouldn't be tired anymore.

The second ninja brandished his trident, leaping forward with a loud war cry. Don just watched him dully, not moving, when another voice rang through his head. _Donny, ya stupid shellhead, fight da damn guy! _

Shock more than anything made Donny automatically sweep his bo up, managing once again to deflect the killing blow of his enemy only just in time. What the shell was _Raph _doing in his head? Don suddenly wondered if his brother could shut the dead ninja up as long as he was in there, for even just a while.

Ha ha ha… he really was going crazy. In the meantime, though, Raph's angry order made some of the fight return to Donny. Pressing forward, he swung out left and right, forcing the Foot ninjas to retreat slightly. If he could get turned the other direction, he could outrun them home. He would have failed to get the piece he needed, but he'd be alive. It wasn't a great trade, but it was something.

Again and again, he fought off the attacks from the ninja, holding his ground without gaining much. Finally, one of the Foot came just a little too close, and Donny reared back and smacked the living fight out of him, landing a solid hit.

_The sound of wood on bone…_

_Gonna kill him too? Murderer… my blood on your hands wasn't enough? He'll haunt you too. He'll come join me in here in this worthless, overlarge mind of yours. Every time you close your eyes, you'll see him. You'll see his broken, bloody body laying twisted on the ground. And you'll know, Donatello… you'll know that you deserve it. You deserve this. You deserve it all, you murderer. _

"Stop it!" Donny cried out, dropping his bo to the ground and grabbing the sides of his head. "Stop it, stop it, stop it!"

The enemy ninjas did actually stop, momentarily baffled by this peculiar behavior. They weren't going to lose an advantage though… With triumphant yells, both came in simultaneously, swinging their weapons at the Turtle who was not going to fight back.

Don closed his eyes. Well… that was that. Pity.

The death blows never came. Three more cries had entered the mix, three outraged and terrified voices that Donny knew well, that he had known all of his life.

His brothers were there.

A loud, choked gasp filled his ears _[the sound of a human when he knew he was dying] _and for a moment Donny believed he was truly lost. He wasn't even holding his bo, how could he have managed to kill another one? Slowly, as the sounds of battle died in two swift swishes, Donny opened his eyes. The enemy ninja who'd been about to kill him was still standing there.

Now, though, he seemed to have an extra growth… a shiny, pointed katana tip, extending from the very center of his chest. Behind him, Leo was growling in absolute and complete fury, his face a mask of wrath and vengeance. The second ninja was in a similar position, with a nunchuck wrapped around his throat and two sai embedded in his torso.

"Donny!" Mikey cried, rushing to support his brother as Donny slowly sank down to the rooftop. More death. More blood. More destruction, and he'd still managed to make it his fault, even without dealing the actual blow. It was too much.

"Don!" Leo yelled, he and Raph joining their brother with supportive hands. "Are you alright?"

"You killed them," Donny sighed, waiting for the voice in his head that would laugh his triumph. "They're dead."

"Yeah, we got them," Leo assured him. "Raph woke us up and said you might need help tonight. What happened?"

Donny shook his head. "I couldn't fight them. I couldn't hurt them." Beside him, he felt Raph shift in annoyance, and he turned to look at him. "What?"

"Don… they woulda killed you. If _dey _weren't dead right now, _you _would be!"

The Turtle shrugged. "Now you have blood on your hands too," he murmured, opening his own to inspect his palms. The Turtles exchanged glances. Suddenly, Leo reached out and grabbed hold of both Donny's hands in his own.

"Better theirs than yours," he said firmly, making Donny blink and look up. Leo sighed and shook his head. "Look, Donny. What happened with you and that ninja… it wasn't your fault. Do you understand me? It wasn't… your… fault."

"I… don't know what you're-"

"Ya know exactly what we're talkin' about," Raph snapped, folding his arms. "Ya didn't really t'ink Splinter wasn't gonna figure it out, didja? He knew what happened to me, and he knew what happened to _you_. It's ok, Don… he ain't mad."

"I _killed _someone, Raph!" Donny exploded, jumping to his feet and shoving his brothers hands off him furiously. "I killed him! Don't pretend that that's ok!"

"You were fighting for your life!" Leo said intensely, wiping his katana on the dead Foot ninja's outfit. "It was you or him! And let me explain something to you, Donatello." Sheathing his swords again, the Leader came to stand in front of his brother, a hand on his shoulder. "His life was not equal to yours."

"How can you say that?" Donny murmured with a shake of his head. "How can you even _say _that?"

"I can say that because I know you," Leo snapped, his hand tightening on Don's shoulder. "And I know them. You have a good heart, Donny, and you add to this world. They know only how to take away. They kill, they destroy… you create. You didn't _want _to kill him, but he definitely wanted to kill you. These three tonight? They wanted to kill you. They would have, and the world would be worse off for it. _We _would be worse off for it. We can't afford to lose you, Donny!"

"Why, because I'm such a great ninja?" Don asked sarcastically. "Or cause I can put the toaster back together when it breaks?"

"No, dude," Mikey piped up, his normally cheerful face looking serious as he added his hand to Donny's other shoulder. "Because you're our brother."

At the words, Donny felt his throat close up and his chest tighten. Raph sighed coming forward. "Donny… believe me, I know," he murmured. "I know dat it hurt ya. I know it musta been even worse for _you _den it was for me. But Don… ya gotta move past dis. Stop pullin' back in trainin'. We're ninja too, ya ain't gonna hurt us! Stop droppin' yer bo when dere's a piece of Foot scum about to stick a sword in yer gut! Stop tryin' to kill yerself over dat guy, cause it ain't gonna do not'in' but take anot'er life outta da world!"

"You're not alone here, bro," Leo told him firmly. "You don't have to go through this alone. We've been waiting for you to open up, but you just kept closing down more and more. We're here to help."

"It's been six months, Leo. I'm fine."

"Fine," Leo repeated skeptically. "Yeah, that looked like fine. Dropping your bo in the middle of a fight? What the shell, Donny? Do you think that if we lost you, everything would be ok? We need you! If you hadn't killed that ninja, Donny," Leo finished, his voice thick with anger at the ones who had hurt his brother so badly. "If you hadn't killed him… _we _would have."

"It's hard," Raph said quietly. "Takin' a life. But it ain't da end of everyt'in'. I know what it's like to have demons whisperin' in yer ear, bro… stop listenin'! Ya hear him, right?"

Donny's eyes shot towards his brother, shocked. How… Raph just nodded. "Yeah, I had da same t'ing," he whispered. "He'll lie to ya, bro. Ya can't trust a word he says. Listen to _us_. We're yer brothers, an' he don't love ya like we do."

"Come home, dude," Mikey urged him. "Talk to Splinter! He's like, all wise and stuff! If anyone can make you feel better, he can!"

Heaving a sigh, Donny closed his eyes again. He wanted to… he wanted to so badly… he wanted to go back to things being ok again, and his mind not feeling like a roller coaster ride. He wanted to not wonder whether he was going insane, and he wanted to be free of the damn nightmare. But…

"What if it's already too late?" he finally whispered. Three hands grabbed him automatically, making him reopen his eyes. Three sets of eyes were staring at him fiercely, each with determination and strength pouring out into him.

"It's not," they said as one.

"It never is," Leo assured him. "Come back, sit down with Splinter, and talk to him. Raph did. Come on."

Raph nodded when Donny looked at him. "Come on, brainiac," he murmured. "Don't let dis get to yer head, but ya really _are_ as smart as ya t'ink ya are… so I know ya gotta know we're right."

Donny hesitated again… then, slowly, he nodded. After a minute's pause, Raph stooped down and picked up Don's bo from the rooftop… resolutely, he held it out.

_Take it,_ the voice whispered. _Every murderer needs a weap- _

"Shut up," Donny snapped, grabbing the bo staff firmly. Enough. Enough was enough. That voice had been tearing him down since that night, whispering lies into his mind. That voice should have been silenced with his body, but Don's guilt had allowed it to live on. It was time to finish what he'd started and destroy that voice forever. It wasn't going to be easy, and it was probably going to take a long time, after how deep it had been allowed to infiltrate his brain.

Splinter would know what to do.

With a smile, his brothers turned him round, pointing him in the right direction again… pointing him home. Donatello was a ninja. He wasn't going to be defeated by an enemy that he had long since gotten rid of. Death was death, and it deserved to be mourned… but not at the expense of more life. Blood would never be able to repay blood, nor restore it. The only thing he could do was wash clean, pay his respects, and move on.

As Donny headed home, surrounded by his brothers, he chanced a look down. Already, he thought his hands looked cleaner, the red dimmed significantly. "What do you think about _that, _tough guy?" he muttered to the long dead ninja, waiting for an irate response. In his head, there was nothing but the realization that he never _had_ gotten that thing for the computer. Well, shell… he'd have to come out again later, darn it.

Death was death, and it was never pretty. All life deserved to be mourned.

He had mourned long enough.


End file.
